unsupervised thoughts

It’s late.

I’m lying on my back, one eye closed, feeling my high finally starting to come down. I think. My boobs are out, reminding me that when I move they move, just like that.  My bra is still on technically because I ran out of energy after sliding my arms through the straps and twisting it around. My last visit to the bathroom informed me that my period is here. So that’s why I doordashed those cookies and McFlurry from McDonald’s an hour ago. Originally I thought it was my edible kicking in, but now I’m thinking it was the period. Maybe it was both. Siri, remind me to delete that {redacted} app. Yes, again.

I bought a new book at Barnes & Noble today. I forget the author’s name but he’s a Black man. I know this because even though the book sat on the wall that was labeled “Black voices,” when I turned to the back and saw his picture, I wasn’t quite convinced so I googled it. And he is in fact Black. With a white husband. And two kids, one Black, the other I really can’t for the life of me remember. The book is set in New York and because I have a never ending love affair with New York, I bought it off the strength of that. But I actually do like the way he writes so I am going to read it. I’m also still reading When Crack Was King and yesterday I finished Bird By Bird.

Speaking of crack, I’ve been finding joy in watching old Judge Mathis episodes on YouTube. Nobody knows crackheads like JM knows crackheads. I can hear him right now, “I know a crackhead when I see one! You’re a dope fiend!” Gosh I love him.

I also spent a lot of time fantasizing about writing today. I wish that was a career. I would be rich. I love the idea of writing but when I sit down to actually do it, fuck.

I blocked my sister today, first time in the new year, won’t be the last. I also have to have an uncomfortable conversation with a friend soon. I have new boundaries to implement and I’m not sure how she’s going to take it but I’m also done prioritizing other people’s feelings at the expense of my peace of mind. I gotta put me first, Lucious.

I took the sorting house quiz again on the Harry Potter website, and as I previously suspected I’m really a Ravenclaw. Obviously, it tracks but I’ve been pretending to be a Gryffindor this whole time. I do love Gryffindor’s colors but I look good in blue too. Cuhh-ripp💙

I just realized that I did indeed fully take that bra off and I’m actually wearing a teddy. When the fuck did that happen? It must’ve been after I finished sitting at my altar with my ancestors. I don’t think I’ve ever cussed that much with them like I did tonight, but a bitch is fed up and I think they understood that. Now I know I’m still high because I just downed a cold bottle of water like it was cold can of Pepsi burning my throat like only a cold can of Pepsi can. I’m thinking about posting this on my substack. I’m aware that I’m just writing whatever pops into my mind, but I think that’s okay.

I redownloaded Hulu so I can watch the new season of Paradise and it just hit me that that means I can also watch Power again too. It’s me and that big rich town til death do us part. I told you I love New York. I also love James St. Patrick. Not now, Tasha.

There’s a towel in my bathroom that I got from my second trip to New York. It says, “Cum Rag.” I’ve never used it, but I like funny inappropriate shit like that. I also love New York niggas with New York accents. 🫦 Yes Loooord for the rest of our daaaays. Yes! That song sure knows how to go on ain’t it? Okay I feel my eyes getting low now. It’s time to turn off chill lofi beats mix and put on some background noise for me to go to sleep to. I’m thinking a random episode from the earlier seasons of Law and Order: Svu. Elliot beating up a perp is my favorite lullaby. If you made it to the end of this, what is wrong with you? Lol but also, appreciate you.

Oh!

If you haven’t yet watched F.D Signifier’s video on YouTube about Tyler Perry please do yourself a favor and watch it. His breakdown is immaculate. Brace yourself though, it’s four hours long. Break it up over a few days like I did. Alright, it’s time for me to knock out like niggas did at Granddad’s restaurant on The Boondocks after they got the itis. Lol. I love us for real. ✊🏾